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  • Writer's pictureSerena Dyksen

My Soul Still Weeps

Updated: Dec 21, 2022

The baby girl or baby boy my mama carried before me, aborted. I guess I’ll never know if I had an older sister or brother. But wait, that could’ve been me. Gone, in the blink of an eye. Sucked down a tube, taken from my mama’s womb. Fast forward to 15 years later, now here I sit in a hospital’s waiting room. There are dozens of girls, it’s all a blur now, so I really don’t remember their faces. But I do remember the doctor’s and the nurse’s who stood beside him. Don’t move they said, it’ll only hurt a little. Fighting back the tears, as his hand touched my most private part. My 15 year old body My 15 year old cervix Not 1, not 2, but 3 Seaweed sticks is what they called them Packed me up with what felt like cotton and sent me on my way. The very next day, in the wee hours of the morning, before the sun showed his face, we were on our way. The taxi ride there felt as dark as the sky that stood above us. Now the hospital where we went, was where my mama delivered me. She pushed me out on a cold November night. Now I’m back here again, but this time it isn’t to give life but to take it. Just like that, my baby boy or baby girl, aborted. But wait that’s not the end There would be many more to come. Many more waiting rooms filled with girls. Dozens of girls, some who came with company but like me, most of them came alone. They promised me I’d be counseled, they said it came along with the package. A sonogram I never did get to see Wait, why didn’t the doctor ever come to greet me? They said because it was early on and I hadn’t yet reached the second trimester That what I carried wasn’t a baby at all but they never did let me see. I’m sure they saw their flickering hearts, but they turned the volume down so I wouldn’t be able to hear. Now here I sit and my file is at least a few inches thick. The black and white pictures of all my babies, paper clipped tight.Out of mind, out of sight. These facilities promised to give me choices and to help plan my parenthood. Yet all they did was create a monster. A simple phone call, they could have it all taken care of in the matter of a day or two. They promised that I wouldn’t have to think about IT anymore, once it all was through. Yet they forgot to mention all of the nightmares I’d have for several years to come. They didn’t tell me that the choice I made would haunt me almost every single day. Wait come to think of it, they never spoke of the guilt or shame, that having abortions bring. Or how many times I’d miscarry a child that I so desired to keep. Till this very day, after 4 beautiful boys and all, the sight of a pregnant woman still makes my soul weep. Thankfully through Christ I have come to know the truth. Forgive me Father, for I was blind, but now I see. Straight through the lies they tell. Like the one where they say it isn’t a baby at all until it lives outside its mama’s womb When in fact this is where He formed us all. Jesus Himself, God in human form, birthed from a woman. Formed in His mama’s womb. From the moment of conception, that is when life starts. Before I had fingers and toes, my very identity was formed in the safety of my mama’s womb. That is where He detailed the prints in my hands so intricately. No one in this world is exactly like me. These clinics promise us choices, but all they do is peddle lies. Shedding innocent blood should never be a person’s right to decide. How can it be sloganed as a woman’s right to choose? Especially when most women abort because a boyfriend or their daddy chimed in. I don’t know who these words are for, whether it be for 1, 2 or 3. I hope that you stop and really think about what your baby means to you. I pray that these words keep you from making that call. And to the ladies just like me, I pray for your healing. I hope you begin to realize that because of His blood, you have been redeemed.

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