My Chemical Abortion Was Supposed to Be 'Easy', Here’s What Really Happened

When I was 21 years old, I made a terrible decision to have an abortion. I thought that I was saving myself and my child from a life of hardship. Growing up, my parents were never together when I was alive, so I grew up with abandonment issues, and with family division and fighting that I wouldn’t wish on anyone, especially a developing child.

I was terrified of the idea of raising my child in a broken home, as a single mother, or worse, having to move back in with my family and be completely reliant on them. I had just moved to a new city to start college and a new life on my own. I was making minimal income while in school, and I had barely enough for myself, let alone a child, and the father was stingy and controlling, so I didn’t trust that he would be reliable. Selfishly, I didn’t want the change a baby would bring to the track I was on because I desperately desired to be independent and under no one’s control, since I had deep trust issues due to my upbringing.

As soon as I realized I was pregnant, I knew that I needed to break up with my boyfriend because it was a very unhealthy relationship. But I didn’t know how to leave until I realized that if this is not someone I want to have a child with, I shouldn’t be with them.

I knew I was pregnant day one, before I even took the test a week later. My boyfriend at the time thought I was crazy, but sure enough, the tests were all positive. I felt attached already to this “thing” growing inside of me, but I thought that it was just the soul of the baby with me, and I believed I was early enough to “catch it” with some sort of plan C. I was in a spiritual psychosis, wrapped up in ideologies about reincarnation, and I thought that if I didn’t have my baby now, I could potentially have it later, or that it would be okay because it wouldn’t be the end, or the end of our relationship. 

I was deceiving myself and justifying my hidden motives because I was scared. But I also didn’t even know what abortion was. I looked up care providers covered by my insurance so I could talk to someone about my options. Planned Parenthood had multiple locations in my area, so they were the top few results that popped up in my insurance network. I scheduled the appointment, and when I went in, they promptly offered to schedule the appointment for me with no other counseling or options given.

I left feeling relieved that there was an option, but I went home and did a search on abortion, which I now realized was a biased search. What I found online was that it was early enough, within 5 weeks, that there was no heartbeat, and therefore, it’s okay. It’s just like a period. That’s what the abortionist told me, too.

I remember how strange that waiting room felt; it was a dimly lit place, and the outside was sunny and bright. It felt like I walked into a cave. The other woman there looked down at the floor and wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I thought maybe she’s having a hard day, and never questioned why she may of felt guilt or shame for being there. 

The abortionist made it sound appealing when he said that it would be quick, and easy, and all I would need to do is come back to confirm through a sonogram that the kidney bean-sized clump of cells was gone. Again, I was relieved thinking that it was no big deal. It never even occurred to me to question the medical advice, or that I was killing my baby. 

I waited until I had 2 days off in a row, and I started the chemical abortion process. After taking the last pill, I lay down to watch a show, and surprisingly, a pregnant woman got stabbed in the stomach right on the TV, right when my chemical abortion kicked in. It was the most intense moment of pain I’ve felt in my life. I projectile vomited while screaming for help. My boyfriend was freaked out and annoyed and didn’t know how to comfort me. After I could stand up, I went into the bathroom and wailed and cried, realizing that something was gravely wrong with all of this. I kept saying I was sorry to my baby as I bled out its home. Other than for the pain, I didn’t understand why I was so upset, and I convinced myself I was just the weirdo who felt attached to the baby early on.

Something told me to cup my hand in the toilet to catch it, and right then, I did. I saw the little red bean that was my baby, and I held it for the most unnerving moment before I had disassociated and flushed it down the toilet. And after some more weeping I told myself I need to suck it up and move on. I was then anemic, depressed, and numb. But although I wasn’t crying, I was hurting, and that wound never healed by trying to ignore it.

Over 10 years, I went back and forth in my mind about whether it was right or wrong. I tried to disassociate from it and the topic of abortion altogether. When it was brought up a heat would rise in me, and I would feel like I needed to share my painful abortion experience out of compulsion, but never owning up to my choice. 

Once I got saved, I realized that it was, in fact, murder, and that I couldn’t hide my sin from the Lord. When I found out about She Found His Grace, I was eager to get started and to address this finally and fully. I now realize that my baby was alive at fertilization, and that his life is precious in the sight of God.

Healing through the trauma and loss, I am assured of God’s character and love for me. I know that he can turn even this terrible act of violence against my own child into something for good. I have grieved my child appropriately and will never put him in the dark of my own shame and guilt again. I’m starting to see all the areas of my life and relationships that have been marked by my unhealed pain, and I’m grateful I am walking this path of healing. Most of all, I’m excited to meet my only child, Zion James, when I make it to heaven.