My husband's and my relationship was rocky. We were both serving in the United States Navy, and through the constant deployments and stress from my 206-day no-port deployment in 2020 due to Covid, we found ourselves heavily drinking, and our marriage was crumbling. While battling triggers from my unresolved childhood traumas and current trauma, I felt like I needed to find something that would make me happy or numb the anxiety and depression that I was experiencing. As if the partying, drugs, and alcohol weren’t enough, I started having an affair, and shortly after that, I found myself pregnant.After receiving the news, I remember my mind was spinning out of control with the questions of: "What are my parents going to say?" "How is my husband going to react?" "Am I going to get kicked out of the navy because of its no-adultery policy?" "If I do get kicked out, how will I support this child?" After confiding in a friend about what I should do, she encouraged me to get an abortion.
The baby's father wanted nothing to do with the child. I felt stuck and running out of options, so I went ahead and scheduled the appointment.I remember showing up to my appointment at Planned Parenthood, shaking with fear and holding onto my stomach, wondering if the baby would feel anything. The waiting room was very dirty, and there were a few other women sitting around me… I wondered if they were there for the same reason.The doctor was a homosexual man who casually assured me that the baby wouldn’t feel anything and that if I couldn’t financially take care of the baby, getting an abortion was the best choice. He also told me that it would feel like a bad menstrual cycle, but it would be quick and easy. He handed me a pill to take orally and then told me that he was sending the next few pills to CVS pharmacy for me to pick up. I would need to go home and insert them vaginally. The last thing that he gave me was a paper that had a list of all of the "normal symptoms" that I might experience during the abortion.
Once I got home from the pharmacy, I laid out a towel on my bed and did what the doctor had told me. About thirty minutes after taking the rest of the pills, I found myself in the fetal position on my bathroom floor, screaming in gut-wrenching pain. I had never experienced anything like it in my life. I was vomiting and bleeding very heavily. I honestly thought I was dying. I remember looking into the toilet after I had sat down, and I could see chunks of tissue from my body along with an enormous amount of blood. But this was all normal, right? I held onto the “common symptom” paper for dear life and continued telling myself that it would be over soon for the remaining four hours.
Following the abortion, my husband and I got divorced. I completed my contract in the navy, I had another abortion, and then moved back home to Indiana. I felt completely shattered, broken, and continued drinking. My life was a bottomless pit of lies, shame, and trauma. I started seeking God, but I couldn’t help but wonder if he would truly forgive everything that I had done and redeem it. Was there a purpose in my life?There IS purpose in my life. I had a radical encounter with Jesus on April 26, 2023, and two weeks later, He led me to She Found His Grace. Through the SFHG classes,
I learned that God was not surprised by my actions. He knew me before I was born, and His unconditional love never fails. The class taught me how to walk in God's grace and forgiveness. Most importantly, it gave me the knowledge to understand that my children felt the pain in all of it. The abortion clinic lied when they told me that they “wouldn’t feel a thing,” and SFHG allowed me to grieve that horrible truth. I finally received my voice to share my abortion story along with an ever-increasing passion to help others in their healing. My life has been radically transformed, and I owe it all to Jesus.If the Lord could take me out of my sin and shame and change my story, He can do the same for you too. He is not finished with you yet!“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Matthew 11:28-29"