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Deb’s Story: I Can Truly Be Free

Once I was blind, but now I see. I had an abortion in 1992. It seemed to be the best option since the man I was with didn’t want children. During the abortion procedure the Dr asked if I was a twin. Which seemed peculiar to me since I thought that it was only a blob or a mass. When I was waiting in the recovery room. I felt relief and I believed the lie that an abortion would make everything go back to normal. Nothing has ever been the same since then. That night at home Satan came to me laughing and taunting me about how he had me now and what a terrible person I was. What kind of mother kills their own children? Ones that they actually want! He told me I was worthless and no one would ever love me, especially God. Because, God would never forgive me. I have never felt such utter grief and despair. He had me convinced that he was right. I knew I could not undo what I had done. I turned to drinking and isolated myself. I asked God for His forgiveness. He lavished me with love through His mercy and grace. The death of Jesus paid the price for my sins. He took all of my punishment and shame on the cross. I knew that God had forgiven me but I couldn’t forgive myself. Jesus told me that I was right, I can’t forgive myself. Because if that were possible than all that He went through the mocking, being spit on, sweating drops of blood, torture, the beating so bad he couldn’t be recognized, and His death on the cross was all done in vain. When I feel that I need to forgive myself I’m saying that Jesus should have done more. What He did wasn’t enough to cover my sins. Or it’s pride, by thinking  that I have a higher standard for forgiveness than God does. That is what trying to forgive myself actually means. It’s one of the biggest lies that Satan has convinced Christians to believe. It keeps us from living in the freedom and power that Jesus’ death on the cross paid for us to have. The struggle isn’t about forgiving myself. The struggle is with accepting and receiving that God’s word is true. John 3:16 says,  “God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life.” And in  John 19:30 Jesus says from the cross “ It is Finished '' I have the assurance that my debt has been paid in full by Jesus' blood. God’s wrath towards my sin has been satisfied by Jeus sacrifice on the cross. I don’t have to fear man’s judgment or accusations. By seeking abortion healing I have learned that it is a journey that the Holy Spirit wants to walk with me. He leads the way showing me areas of my life that need to be surrendered to God. Perhaps things from my past that I have done or maybe things that were done to me that have kept me away from God. By revealing these things they can be redeemed and restored as I seek to forgive others and ask for their forgiveness. The chains and shackles of sin no longer have a hold on me. I can truly be free. This freedom compels me to love God and to love my neighbor. The 2 greatest commandments mentioned in Matthew 22:37-40 “ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul and mind. And love your neighbor as yourself.”  It’s no longer my story to hide in shame or guilt but it’s God’s story of redemption. Look what He has done with my mess. It’s a beautiful message that He uses to reveal His mercy and grace to the world. I get to shepherd my twins Constance and Conrad’s legacy by using their short lives for good! If you have an abortion wound you are not alone reachout to She Found His Grace Ministry for hope and healing. We are here for you!

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